- Developing/testing/photographing and posting recipes is a lot of hard work. I’m choosing not to spend the time it takes to produce recipes at a weekly rate right now. There’s always time. It’s a matter of how you play with it.
- Writing about yourself on the Internet is scary. I think in some ways I’ve been hiding behind the recipes. It’s easy enough to post a subjectively “healthy” recipe, but sharing what’s really going on to motivate the development of those recipes, feels vulnerable. I wasn’t ready to divulge for a while, but I’ve realized lately that the experiences, thoughts and struggles of dealing with food intolerances and health issues are what people need as much as, if not more than the recipes.
Sometimes I’ll have a flare up and have to get through the day at work with an unbearable migraine, itchy skin or limbs full of lead. Or sometimes I’m swimming at my desk through a sea of overwhelming thoughts “What am I doing wrong?”, “Is there any hope?”, “Am I deluding myself into thinking I can get better?”.
Or just when I have to cheerfully munch away at a spinach salad with leftover turkey at a work lunch while everyone around me enjoys cheesy, crusty pizza and quizzes me about why I’m not grabbing a slice, it’s hard not to let the struggle get to you.
In these days, in these moments, I feel completely and utterly alone. No doctor, not my husband, not my friends (even the ones who are dealing with the same or similar chronic ailments) can scoop me up and take me out of it. It’s just me against my own existence and sometimes it gets poignantly exhausting.
So maybe I need to be able to unleash those frustrations, and maybe some of you out there need to know that when you’re feeling completely hopeless, you’re not. That it’s just a feeling we all get from time to time, and it will pass.
Of course I’m a big believer in mindset as an essential element of healing. I’ve healed more than I thought I could over the last few years, I believe this has been in great part due to recognizing some bad cycles of anxiety and obsessive negative thinking on my part, in addition to big lifestyle changes like giving up booze and a lot of my most beloved food. So I don’t plan on making this a negative emotion dump.
I’ll do with the blog what I’m trying to do in real life in my mind every day – acknowledge those feelings of anger, disgust, frustration, allow them to be, and then figure out how to move through them. There’s no avoiding them, but you can’t sit there and disappear beneath the emotional mire. You must keep going.
As always, I’d love it if you gave me some feedback or shared your own story below. Let’s let off some steam together and then cheer each other on.